LOSING FACE
Some of my Indian friends
have told me the quickest way to get some terrible skin disease is to get
shaved by a street barber.
But I haven't shaved in two days and I feel really grubby. Shekhar says Mozam
Ali's a good barber. He cuts hair, trims beards, and moustaches, shaves with
an open-razor bang opposite the Aziz Farm Broiler Shop at the top end of Apna
Jhopadpatti.
He's doing a good job trimming this man's moustache. Now it's my turn. He
must think I'm nuts!
“I need just a shave..I haven't shaved today.”
Mozam Ali makes me sit back to front on a common-or-garden chair. Unfortunately,
the word's out. Thirty, must be nearer forty kids are pouring in from the
alleyways to witness what promises to be better than a puppet show. Mozam
Ali's already working up a good lather on my chin. I'm afraid it's too late
to back down now!
I don't think I've ever been shaved before by anyone! It's rather pleasant.
But this is the easy part, of course.
Mozam Ali opens and closes a box. Suddenly I’m worried: “What's
this? A cut-throat razor?”
Shekhar calms me. “He's simply taking out a fresh blade.to shave you.”
Nice new sharp blade. I'm not going to catch some terrible disease with that!
You know, I know I've never let anyone get within ten miles of me with one
of these things in their hand!
Mozam Ali obviously knows I'm scared. He's being very careful.
He's getting all the places that I always miss. The bits that drive my wife
crazy. She thinks I miss them deliberately.
“Now what? Second shave?”
Great! He's shaving me twice, all over again! Right from scratch. Now why
did nobody ever suggest I do that?
There's some guy I can hear, singing, somewhere just behind me. I have the
distinct impression he's trying to kiss the top of my head.
Shekhar! Where are you when I need you?! Save me!
Mozam Ali's doing a very good job. He's gone over every inch of my face twice.
I feel safe. I just know he won't even nick me.
“Can't be many hairs left on me. It's about the most thorough shave
I've ever had.
Some wag in the crowd pipes up: “You goin' a cut his hair as well?”
“ ”Not enough hair to cut!”
You didn't need to say that! Mozam Ali!
Now, what's this magic solution? Mozam Ali squirts me in the face with water.
Then applies some alum. My father used to have a stick of this. You dab it
on when you've cut yourself. It's stuff to prevent you bleeding. An antiseptic.
It stings. Certaintly stings. Good!
“Feels great! Thanks!”
Spoke too soooon! VA kid squirts me again in the face. Very funny! Go on!
Have a good laugh!
“Well, that's probably the best shave I've ever had, actually!..Thank
you very much, Mozam Ali.” It really is! Smooth as a baby's bottom and
just as pink!
~
Sunday afternoon. The Mahila Milan compound.Shakoor, Padma, Shekar and Makhrand
are playing a Man's game. Looks a bit like Shove Ha'penny.
“Can you explain this game to me, Shakoor?”
Shakoor, a thoughtful young man who lives on Water Street, is laconic:
“Caroom... Red One Queen.”
I call Caroom the poor man's billiards. It's a three by three minature wooden
billard table, complete with pockets, that you can pick up and play just about
anywhere.
There are no billiard balls. Just flat round wooden counters - black, red
and white.
No billiard Cues either. You use your fingers to flick the Cue counter across
the board to knock one of the others into the hole.
Shekhar and Shakoor explain how to play Caroom. But I'm a bit thick. I just
don't get it.
“So Padma's trying to get the black one in?”
“Black one, Yea.”
“Now you have to take red one.”
“He's trying to get the White in?
I haven't the foggiest how the scoring works. But I used to like playing billiards.
And it's Sunday afternoon in Byculla and there don't seem to be too many people
around. So I can make a fool of myself against Padma..Padma versus JCH: East
versus West. Let the Games begin! Shekhar referees.
“Padma's breaking. He has to play white.” Shakoor is my coach.
“You play black.”
“Which means I take this one.” Padma, Shekhar and Shakoor are
noisily smirking.
“What are you laughing at?
I guess I don't have quite as much manual dexterity as I thought.
“What happens if you put your own white in there? Which am I? Black?”
Shekhar doesn’t even pretend to be neutral. It’s obvious who’s
going to lose.
“Padma's going to win this one!
For the next few minutes I'm taken to the cleaners by Padma. When it's finally
my turn, I either miss my counter altogether. Or hit my own counter into the
hole.
“That's the end of the game? I lost?”
“End of the game.” Shekhar performs the last rites.
“How much did Padma get?”
“Twenty nine.”
“How many points did I get?”
“You're nil!”
“I got nothing. That's what I thought.”
I knew I wasn't doing well. But Zero points. That's humiliating. I'm dismissed.
Not a game for me. Time for the real Caroomiers - Padma, Shakoor, Shekhar
and Makhrand - to strut their stuff!
~
Sunday afternoon in the office. The founders of Mahila Milan are seated in
a circle. Two of them are working coconut oil into Martine’s hair, and
gossiping, while I sit with headphones and microphones. looking vaguely vacant.
Lots of giggling at looks at me. Mona, what’s being said?
“She's got a cold. She wants to change noses with you!” Hoots
of laughter all round. Nice. I get a brown nose plus one plus diamond stud
in the left nostril.
“You think I want to have a little one of these in my nose?”
“If I go back to the United States they'll arrest me! You can change
noses!
Shehnaz is in one of her mischievous moods today. I, sweet Innocent, am blissfully
unaware of what's literally about to break out over my head.
Samina’s explaining where her husband’s gone. The gist of the
story is that Samina's husband has a hernia. He's been admitted to Nair Hospital
for the operation.
But the old man can't stand the sight of blood. So he's run away. This conversation
is all inconsequential, as though something else is happening behind my back.
There are just odd key words dropped here and there, in case anyone present
is not yet in on the joke.
“I used to go late to work. So this women asked me: "Why are you
coming late to work?" So I told her: "Look, my husband has got this
sort of problem. So that's what happening." So she said: "Look,
I'll give you this big bottle of oil. You make it hot in a...Just pause!
Mona breaks down giggling. She’s losing it. Slightest little thing seems
to set her off in giggles today.
“Pick up the mic and tell me what it is that you're.”
“Such a big bottle of oil.. “ She just can’t keep a straight
face. She’s almost hysterical with laughter.
“Pick up the microphone. Come on. Control yourself young lady.”
I don't see what's so funny about a hernia, unless it's the female version
of a dirty joke. Whatever it is, Samina and Shehnaz have got Mona going! Get
a grip on yourself, Mona!
“So, she gave me this big bottle of oil and said: "You heat it
in a spoon. And you apply it and he'll be OK. So I looked at it and said:
What is this? Just some Nurani oil? As if anything's going to happen?"
So she said: "No,No,No. You try it. So I really brought it, brought it
home, heated it in a spoon and applied it. And really his illness got better.
And even later on, whenever he had any trouble he used to take it himself,
heat it, and apply it. And he never had a problem.”
“Come on. What's the unspoken agenda? Come on! What are you hiding from
me?”
“I don't hide anything. It's just hysterical that the hernia went with
Nurani oil.”
“What is Nurani oil?”
“It is a brand. Nurani oil is a brand.”
It seems Nurani oil is herbal, Ayurvedic and good for you!
“This is an oil which has tremendous healing properties. I also use
it. If you have a cold you just have to warm it slightly and use it. If you
have a pain in the joints, or a pain in the muscles, just warm it and apply
it and massage it. You get it in the shop. You get a small bottle. You get
a big bottle. It's a very good oil. Highly recommended!...
All this while, Shehnaz is gazing in adoration at the top of my head, which
I find distinguished, and others find somewhat lacking in hair.
“Massage children also with the same oil.”
“Nurani oil.Cures, everything. You'll get hair!
Somehwre in there there are the words bald and polish. The tone of the laughter
turns ribald. Mona asks if I want to try this magic oil?
“You want a bottle? It's five Rupees a bottle.”
Samina and Shehnaz have sent out for a bottle of the Magic Stuff. Everyone
seems to be sharing some huge joke, and it's obviously at my expense.But I'm
not quite sure what it is.
All in all, best thing's to keep a stiff upper lip. And try and pretend to
share in the general laughter. Mona persists in explaining how to use the
so’called magic oil.
“You mustn't heat it very much....” She breaks down yet again
in giggles.
“This is obviously very funny. You mustn't heat it very much? And what
happens?”
“Otherwise, you'll burn. You just have to heat it slightly.”
I don't like the sound of this!
“Lukewarm. Massage it on your head and Phut You're going to get hair...
“Or I could go totally bald, Bald like a hard-boiled egg?”
“That's exactly what Shehnaz is saying!”
I have a major defensive problem here. I'm sitting on the ground. Got a couple
of mics in each hand, pair of headphones over my ears. I can't physically
defend myself if.
“They're all speculating who is going to massage your head. Whether
it's going to turn red?”
“You mean my hair will turn red?”
“Your skin is going to turn red.”
Beautiful pillbox red, with a tinge of orange so it'll really shine out in
the dark. Very useful at sea.
“It's red-colored oil. It's bright red. So if she puts it on your head,
everybody is going to think you're bleeding. The police are going to come
behind you!”
“Can I wash it out afterwards?”
“Yes, you can wash it out
I hand over the money for a bottle. Little suspecting they already have it
very close at hand! I feel unseen hands on my scalp
“Not now! Not now! Not now!” Betrayed by own wife as well!
“It is wonderful.” Shehnaz mimics Martine’s English. “Wonderful.”
“Big, magic cure.
I didn't stand much of a chance. They were all in it together. Wife included.
Before I knew what had happened, some reddish oil had been applied to the
crown of my head. When I got back home I saw why they were all in fits. The
top of my head was like a weather beacon, a bright red circle to help planes
land.
Oh sure, You can wash it off!
It took me four days, a dozen washes a day. I still have my bottle of Nurani
oil. You never know when it might come in useful! After all, it can cure everything,
from the simple cold to impotence. But one thing it does not cure is baldness!
Essay
Episodes 1 - 4
Episodes 5 - 8
Episodes 9 - 12
Episodes 13 - 16
Episodes 17 - 20
Episodes 21 - 24
Episodes 25 - 28
Episodes 29 - 32
Episodes
33 - 35
Main
Episode List
Cast of Characters
Credits
MP 3
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